[six]

And it’s the way you watched the tears roll down my face
When I scraped my knees that bright lit day.
I tried to hold in the salty waves, but your eyes said
Kid, it’s okay
It’s always okay.

[five]

My new thing is showers, I guess
I just stand there multiple times a day
Letting the water pound into the back of my aching head
Hoping that the hot water helps with the pain.

Watching the water roll down my curves,
Inside and down the slope of my belly button
Is a small comfort
When I can’t form coherent thoughts.

I think it’s time for another shower then
The third today
Because the words won’t form
And I can’t think of a single thing to say.

[four]

This parallel universe I live in is getting old.
The half assed exchange of "hey",
The heartless assholes taking advantage,
The worthless passage of time...
I’m just waiting for the end of it all
Or something to change the way I see it.

[three]

For hours I sat on my bed in the dark last night wondering what was going on in your head. What a pointless fucking task. What a worthless way to lose sleep. You'd think that I'd have learnt my lesson by now, but I guess not. I guess I'm not done torturing myself. This ache in my gut is awfully bittersweet as I'm stuck between excitement and dread. Excitement that someone makes me feel this way again and dread that it will end the way it always does.

[two] Desire.

Stepping through the door of the coffee shop, her hips swayed naturally as she made her way towards the cashier without hesitation. She ordered her caramel mocha habitually, payed, and moved off to the side to wait patiently. The man in the tan coat hadn’t realized he had been staring until their eyes met. One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, four. Their eyes held for much longer than average, while they perused each other’s thoughts and enjoyed each other’s appearance.

“Desiree!” came the call of the barista, causing her eyes to snap away from his. She grabbed her drink and strolled out of the shop without giving him a second glance.

The perfect moment had just occurred; understanding and attraction, without the disappointment of reality.

[one]

Fuck him. Fuck him and his stupid smirk.

I close my eyes to calm my racing heart. Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out. His confident smile fixates itself behind my eyelids. I open my eyes. It’s all so pointless. I sigh knowing there’s nothing to stop my brain from sending such torturous images every time I think I’m safe from these emotions.

Goddamn it. He’s not even that beautiful. He isn’t even that sweet. But somehow, somehow he snuck inside my head. He snuck inside my heart. This was another one of those idiotic half-loves that we both knew wouldn’t last, but we played with the idea anyway. My head knows this whilst my heart fights every reason, every reason why it would never work. I take another deep breath hoping to exhale each hollow memory, fully knowing that won’t happen anytime soon.

this is a test.

This is only a test.